How much of my life do I spend people-pleasing? Turns out, a lot. I realized this upon reading Sarah Knight’s The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a F*ck, a new parody of Marie Kondo’s best seller, The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up. I go places I don’t want to go and do things I don’t want to do in order to please others, even if it’s to my emotional or financial detriment. Like many women in particular, I apologize when I haven’t done anything wrong and sprinkle “just” into my emails so they don’t come off too strongly worded. Knight’s bottom-line advice for me is explicit: Stop giving a f*ck.
This is self-help with an edge. As the subtitle says, The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a F*ck is a primer on “how to stop spending time you don’t have with people you don’t like doing things you don’t want to do.” Though it is a parody, it’s less a takedown of Kondo’s tactical tidying methods and more inspired-by: Shortly after quitting her successful corporate job as a book editor, Knight KonMari’ed (a process of throwing out things that don’t “spark joy” and/or you never use) both her and her husband’s sock drawers and felt a surge of inner peace. Between the socks and the job-quitting, she was inspired to write the truth of her own mental decluttering.
“Even though I’ve always been this type A overachiever, ambitious person, it’s okay to say, ‘I don’t give a f*ck about getting up at 6:30 in the morning and taking the subway to Rockefeller Center to sit at a desk job surrounded by people that I don’t consider my friends, and solve other people’s problems all day instead of solving my own,’ ” Knight told me.
Soon, she began applying the same philosophy to baby shower invites, Thanksgiving with her in-laws, and Kickstarter requests from virtual strangers. But how do you stop people-pleasing and not become a jerk? Here’s what I learned.
Embrace the NotSorry Method.
Knight’s answer to Kondo’s KonMari Method is the NotSorry Method. When assessing if you truly care (translation: give an F) about something, ask yourself: Does it annoy? If the answer is yes, you are to stop giving an F about it “posthaste.” In my case, attempting to make dinner between work and spending time with my toddler had a tendency to annoy, but I felt making dinner was something I or my husband should be doing in the interest of being healthy and not squandering our paychecks on takeout. I recently stopped giving an F about this perceived obligation by picking up healthy and economical Sweetgreen salads for dinner nightly. Until I get sick of the Rad Thai (which is so delicious, I may never), problem solved!
Giving fewer f*cks has great benefits.
Embrace the power of “no.”When Knight, for example, stopped giving a f*ck about the little things that annoyed her—RSVP’ing no to baby showers, unfriending annoying people on Facebook, putting on makeup simply to go grocery shopping—she gained more time and money to do what she really enjoyed—e.g., tropical vacations, reading Us Weekly. When you stop doing so many things that annoy and do not bring you joy, “your spirit will be lighter, your calendar will be clearer, and your time and energy will be spent on only the things and people you enjoy,” she says. No longer stressing about what to buy and make for dinner, for example, has afforded me the time and pleasure of coloring with my daughter and playing catch with her Elf on a Shelf. All upside.
Draft a F*ck Budget.
I know what you’re probably thinking, because I was thinking it, too, while reading this book: How do you stop doing things you don’t want to do—e.g., attending a kinda-friend’s baby shower—when you’re worried it will hurt someone else’s feelings? Knight’s answer is a F*ck Budget. Nail down the limited group of friends, family members, and coworkers (and which of their showers, homemade jam sales, and Kickstarters) you value the most and whom you will support enthusiastically. They get your f*cks. But those who are not on the list are not guaranteed your time, effort, or funds. This tenet empowered me to RSVP no to a peripheral member of my friend group’s play opening. Most of the group is going, but I’ve decided it simply doesn’t fit into my F*ck Budget.
Be honest and polite, but not too honest nor too polite.
Knight uses the example of RSVP’ing “no” to an expensive, vacation day–sucking holiday weekend wedding (with the assumption being that the bride and groom are not VIPs who fit into your F*ck Budget). The honest and polite route, she says, would be to send a gift and a kind decline: “I’m honored to be invited but unfortunately can’t make it.” The too-honest route, however, would be divulging, “We usually go to Miami with friends over Labor Day. Maybe we could bring them to your wedding instead? LMK!” It’s like my mother always said about calling in sick to work: Don’t provide too much detail; don’t suggest you have anything to apologize for. I plan to apply this immediately to my succinct “So sorry I can’t be there but break a leg!” decline to Peripheral Friend’s play.
#ZeroF*cks or #NoF*cksGiven is a lie.
These hashtags pervade on Twitter, but even Knight concedes that only sociopaths or flat-out “assholes,” as she says, give “no” or “zero” Fs about work, family, friends, and social obligations. The key is prioritizing the Fs you have to give—and giving them to those who matter most. This includes—lest anyone forget—yourself. “Not giving a f*ck means taking care of yourself first, like affixing your own oxygen mask before helping others,” Knight writes. If that sounds selfish, well . . . I doubt she gives an F.
